50 This Year

I am turning 50; the big 5-O, the half a century, this year. Thirty was easy; I knew there was still a lot of life in me. Forty was difficult, but not for the obvious reason; I was empty-nesting at the same time. The last of my 5 children had left moved out of state, and my daughter-in-law and granddaughter was moving out of state to be with my son, as he came back from Korea with the army. My usually full household was now empty. It was definitely a time of mourning, but I was trying to look a it as a positive time in my life. After being a mother since I was 17, and having my fifth when I was 21, this was the first time in my life when I could really look at who I am. I was married at the time, and as my husband was a man, he was not as emotional over the kids being gone. He was dealing with it like a man; yelling, woo hoo! We were not on the same page, and I needed to make some sense of the closure I needed while embracing this new chapter in my life. I decided a ceremony was appropriate, so I told him I needed a few hours one night to have some time to myself. I collected my favorite cd, a bottle of wine, a candle, and some tissues, and I said goodbye to the past to welcome the future. I honored Me. Unfortunately, this did not end my grieving for my children and my grandchild, much to the dismay of my then husband, but it started the process.

A lot has happened since then; I am now divorced, the grandmother of 9, and living with my mom, and a new fous on my life. I have a better grip on my health; mentally, physically, and emotionnally. I am sronger than I ever have been, and have focus for the first time. There is an eagerness and excitement of newness within me. This is the first time my life is truly just about me. I look forward to turning 50.