A dream

I was on a beach, as a grown man, and a small boy. The day was sunny and clear, the water; turquoise and clear. The man and boy were talking about what they were doing on the beach, which looked like playing, but the mood was more serious. A bluish/blackish snake swam ashore from the sea. The man picked up the snake, called it a corn snake, and noticed how ragged it looked. The snake immediately buried itself into the sand and hid, while the man's attention was again focused on the boy, while the boy's focus was the snake. The boy seemed concerned about how tired and worn out the snake was, but the man reassured him it would be ok. The dream then turned to a cruise ship with celebrities aboard, being interviewed, then back to the beach. I was another child on the beach; this time a little girl. The man and boy were there also, and the girl had a contentment about her that the boy did not understand. The snake emerged from the sand, recooperated and recovered, ready and determined to go back into the sea to finish her destination. The boy child called to the girl child to come and see the snake, but the girl just sat in the sand and watched from a distance, while the man and boy both went to see the snake off.      

A meditation

I was outside, wearing a suit of armor with red under clothing. On one side of me was a dark forest, and the other side was a swamp. I was leaving the dark forest and dropped into the swamp. The water felt cool and refreshing as the armor fell off me. I felt lighter and my skin felt electrified. I emerged from the water as a lioness with a diamond crown and necklace, sitting now, on top of a cliff overlooking a valley. When my conscious mind questioned the image, the cliff turned into a building falling down, and I fell. I leaped up to a stronger building and I realized how my thoughts are controlling my stability. I keep the image of myself as I emerged from the water as the lioness, strong and regal, in my mind, and I am the lioness.

My Inner Conflict

My diet has always been an issue for me. I loved carbs, they were my comfort food. I could eat a lot of food, and not feel full. My food was not my fuel, it was my "power," and I did not feel "powerful, so I was an endless vessel. Some foods made me bloated, some made me feel like I had rocks in my stomach, some made me flatulant, some I was allergic to, but did not recognize the symptoms. I also struggled with the thought of eating an animal that was once alive, so I convinced myself that all my meat was made at the stores. That was my way of coping; I tried to be a vegetarian, but my body craved the meat. Food was my escape into comfort, and I wanted to be very comfortable.
At this point in my  life, I look at food as fuel, and it matters to me what I put in my body, and in July I started a raw food diet. I really liked the food I started eating, and learning more about these healthy jewels, but my body was showing tiredness, stomach aches, and moodiness. I started experiencing cravings for double cheeseburgers and meatball sandwiches, the more the meat, the better. When I finally succumbed to the cravings, I felt guilty for breaking away from the raw foods, but I had a lot more energy, my core felt better, and my thinking was clearer. I tried supplements to eliminate the cravings, but it did not work. I worked salmon back into my diet, and then a little bit of buffalo burgers a couple days a week, and thought that would be a good balance for protein with the raw foods, ha ha.
I asked my guides, why I needed so much meat, as it is hard for my mind to accept me eating it. My reply came; my body emits so much energy, the only way for me not to be depleted is to eat the protein that can only come from animals. I had my answer, but I was sad and still fighting it, until my dream last night:
I came home and it was late. I was not familiar with the house, and there were people there; adults and children. I asked what was for dinner, and the kids said they were waiting for me to fix them something. We went to the store, in the produce section, and I could not figure out what to buy, I could not make a decision, and I felt like it was getting really late. I remember thinking about how good my chicken tacos were when I cooked them for my kids, and I really wanted them, but it was so late to even start making them, I just kept walking around, undecided. Someone from the store asked if we neede help, and the kids answered, "she is starving us."
That hit me hard, I never starved my kids, but I realized I was starving myself of the protein I needed. If that did not wake me up, I do not think anything will. I am now adding, and blessing, more meat to my raw foods, and feeling better all around.

Get real

I found a cable channel that is the most real channel I have ever seen. It is called Pivot, and is geared for Millenials I started watching it this week, as I was sick in bed, and the shows that are on there are of real people, with real problems, that most of us just wants to ignore. I am a fan of this station and will do what I can to promote it. I am not one for following the crowd, instead I follow what I feel inside of me. It is not always the easy path to take, but it is the most rewarding. I watched the Lego Movie, and the message I received was too many peaple are distracted with "shiny objects" like; television, music, shopping, or partying that they are missing what is really going on around them. In my opinion, it is a controlled distraction, and we need to wake up!

Millenials or Warriors?

I am watching a show called "Our Time," it is about the Millenials and how they are perceived, and how they percive themselves. I love this show; the diversity, the voices, the struggles, and the courage that are revealed. Powerful! Four guys travel across the country interviewing people of all walks of life, and asking what they would call this generation of young people. I identify them as the people who are breaking through, Neo-Renaissance! These people are the ones who are breaking out of the structured and finding miraculous ways of possibiities. But they are risking everything; their self-respect, their future, and their lives to help the world progress in a better way. These people are the Warriors!

A while ago, a co-worker asked me: "what do you think of love?"

I responded: "love is unconditional; it is the same for anybody, no matter who they are."

him: "no, not like that. Love between a man and a woman."

me: grimacing.

him: "pretend I am your boyfriend, and you are my girlfriend."

me: "okaaaayy..."

him: "your job is to make me happy, and my job is to make you happy."

me: "first off, you are assigning jobs to something that does not need jobs. Second, it is nobody's job to make me happy, but my own. And lastly, if you are not happy, there is nothing I can do to make you happy."

him: "no, no, I think I am no saying it right. You know when you have a pet; you give it water, take care of it, and give it food, right?"

me: "I am not dependent upon you, I am not your 'pet!'"

him: "no, when you love someone, you give yourself to them."

me: "I am not giving myself to anybody. I did that before, and put his needs before my own needs, and I suffered for that. I will not do that again. The man I am going to be with will know this, and not expect me to."

him: "how?"

me: "he will know and respect my path that I am traveling on, as he has his own. If our two paths come together and will work together, and if we have a connection, we can have a relationship out of love and respect, not jobs."

him: "so, you want someone who has the same interests like you? I know a couple who have different beliefs, and they are married."

me: "yes, I heard of that before, and if it works for them, great. But, for me, I want someone who has the same interests."

him: "what about, if he moved to New York, would you go with him?"

me: "it depends; what is in it for me?" What is going on in my life at the time, what would I do in NY? Would I be moving because he wanted me to? No. I would move if it was a good thing for me."

Then he changed the subject, and it was clear he did not understand my beliefs, and in return, I understood his way too much. I have been there, done that. It is what I was taught growing up. His background and dedication to his church has taught him these ideas. Which is why I am not a fan of organized religion. I do not want a man who lets his church dictate how he feels, what he should do, and what to belief. I do want a man who believes in God, but can think, feel, and know for himself. Until the time comes, I am doing my thing, and when it does come, I will keep on doing my thing.

Metamorphism

I remember being told; as I healed, the people around me will drop away and more people of like-minds will fill the gaps. I did understand that with my husband, who is now my ex-husband, but I did not understand the whole impact it would have on my life. I did know my husband's path was not mine; that was clear to me, even though it still was very painful to separate. I think there will always be an inner conflict when I am torn at what feels comfortable and familiar with people I love, and yet, I know deep inside that there is more for me out there, and I do not know where, what, or with whom,. Not to mention the confusion of the people who were very involved in my life. It is not only an adjustment for me, but for them. The people in my life could see a distinct difference in me, one they do not know, and this is very foreign to them. There will be a resistance for change on both sides; change is scary for the person going through it, and the people who do not understand these changes, it is not always acceptable, and it is through resistance that keeps them from supporting my changes. There are choices though, ignoring the changes and staying in the previous pattern, with the previous thoughts, actions, and company is an option, however, not a good one. Not adapting to the changes causes stagnation within the spirit, and as time moves along, causes a death of the spirit. Easiest is not the best in this case. To move along with flow of energy that is prominent in a spirit, and leaving everything familiar you know, and immersing yourself into the unknown, is probably the hardest thing a person could do, but necessary! In order to stay true to my spirit, my soul’s purpose in life, there must be a rebirth of the self to progress, and ascend. Once there is complete compliance, inner peace will follow. The people who occupied so much of my previous self will either; understand and cheer me on, but not very likely, or they will retreat and isolate me, what actually happened. Their actions are normal, people do not know how to act or react to what they are not familiar with, and it is their lessons to learn, and the best I can do is to wish them the best in their understanding, and send them prayers. The best I can do for myself is to follow my spirit and do my best along the way.  

Friends, Healers, or Looking for a Profit?

I am confused about the intentions of most of the other healers I have met. My desire is to be around people of like-minds, although I know nobody is just like myself, there are some people who call themselves "healers" who do not live up to that integrity, in my opinion. For example, I would love to sit around and have tea, or coffee, with people who are "healers", and I have been invited to get-togethers, but for a fee, donations, love gift, whatever. If I am going to pay a fee for something, I expect the person who is receiving the fee to produce something. Not have it be an open discussion for everybody who paid this fee. There used to be a time when people just got together and bounced thoughts and ideas off each other and actually had a great time, without one person paying the other for it. What happened to all that? When did it turn out to be that one person profits from their friends or takes advantage of their friends? If a service is required from a friend, a payment should be expected unless it is offered, from the friend, as a friend, otherwise there is not an even exchange of energy and one person is taken for granted. When a group of people get together and share experiences, there should not be a fee when all are sharing. Why is everyone trying to profit from their friends, or other fellow healers? This is my beef with experiences I have encountered, and I cannot consciously participate in.

Ego versus Confidence

Ego versus confidence? I thought they were the same thing for most of my life. I was taught to build up my ego so I would be strong. Having a high ego would bring success, I would be able to compete with "power players" in the working world and not get eaten for breakfast. Ego would mean I could hold my own with the "type A" personalities that ran the world. I tried t i build my ego as high as I could, in order to work and be successful in world that I really did not fit into. But I tried my best; I puffed up empty hot air and used my loudest and obnoxious voices to make people listen to me and get my point (which was the right one, damn it!) across. I did what I set out to do; I blew up my ego so much, I even had myself believing it. Then it happened; I had a huge fall from my pedestal. It gave me the opportunity to really look at my own behavior. I realized all the hot air I was blowing up my own ass was just that: empty hot air. I had taken my insecurities and fears and made myself look more important than anybody else. I belittled, badgered, and screamed so well it was hard for me to lose an argument. My big ego turned me into a bully and a bitch that had no one really close to her. What I forgot about was kindness, compassion, peace, understanding, sympathy, and the I was the farthest away from; LOVE. I was lacking all of these qualities in my life, I did not believe I was worthy of any of them, I just demanded fear. The more fear I had, the more powerful my ego became. Realizing these traits I had within myself was eye opening and embarrassing; my process of projecting my pain and fears on to other people. I wondered how many people I hurt and caused pain too...how many lives did I affect so negatively? This was a very sobering moment for me. I knew what I had to do, I needed to go deep inside my own pain and fears and confront them. I have found many deep seeded issues, some I never knew I was hiding and still feeling the effects of. It has been a very awakening healing experience, and will probably be a life-time process, and the gifts I have received from it have come to me ten-fold what the pain has been. I have found a new love for myself that I can see in everyone, and an inner peace that has shown me I am worthy of this love. In return, I have acquired the confidence I had been lacking in my life, and have been able to release my puffed up ego. The feeling has been livening and enlightening. I know the difference between the two, and do not want the ego back.

Vision Board 10/20/14

One way of knowing who I really am was to build a Vision Board. It has been five years since I built my first Vision Board, and as I look at it, I can see how I was able to conquer the goals I set out to conquer. One thing that really stood out is, my brain was not able to visualize my future, and my board had mostly quotes, not a lot of pictures. It took a few months, but it was worth it; I was able to collect a wide arrangement of magazines from friends that ranged from 20 year old Rolling Stones to Newsweek, Oprah, and weekly flyers in the mail. I went through the magazines a few times and saved pictures, quotes, and some of the magazines themselves for final touches when I put it all together. It turned out to be a pretty good pile of cuttings, and it was a challenge to sort out what was going where in every area of my life I was focusing on.


It took all day to sort, organize, and go through the rest of the magazines to figure out what it was going to be when it was finished. When I was finished, I saw my life goals in front of me, waiting to act upon, and I was finally ready to move forward and into the life I visualize. It was very profound, and undeniably my true self. My subconscious was staring back at me; I was amazed at how I was able to see my inner wants and desires on a piece of cardboard. I was able to look at myself from the inside. I had no idea how effected I would feel, but one thing for sure is, I really like what I saw.

My September Vacation

My vacation started when I left my work at 9:30 Wednesday morning, after making a special trip there to buy a fire extinguisher for my road trip, then I am off. Driving over the Grapevine, up the five, and turning on the automatic power button, for an extra boost. After a couple of minutes, there is blue smoke coming from my exhaust. My immediate thought was I blew a seal, or rings, so I turn off the automatic power and work my way towards the slow lane, and the blue smoke goes away; no lights on my dash warning me of anything, no engine overheating, and no loss of power, figuring it was from the automatic power that had never been used before, I keep going. At Coalinga, I stop for gas and a bathroom, and when out of my car I smell oil, but bathroom first. After the bathroom, there is smoke coming from under my hood, so I pop it open and see oil all over my engine. I asked the gas station attendant to look at my car, and he brought over someone who knows cars. This man could not find a leak, but clearly my car was leaking oil, there was a puddle underneath. He told me of the only mechanic in town, and I go to his "open 7 days a week" shop, which is closed. I call him on the emergency number and he tells me he is in Fresno, and he will be back in 2 hours. In the meantime, there is a man who asks if I am broke down, he saw me at the gas station and wanted to know if I was broke down. He did not say he could help, or was qualified to help, red flags for me, so I tell him the mechanic knows I am here and he is on his way. He leaves, and I go back to the gas station, and call the mechanic and ask him to call me when he is back. The mechanic looks at my car, and says I blew my rear engine seal. He told me he would not go to Washington in it, especially since I was alone, and I had already been bothered by one man. He said the more it is driven, the more oil it will need, and to be careful going back home, checking my oil as I go. I cancel all my plans for Washington, and call my mechanic in Pasadena, and tell him, to expect me there in the morning, then, I call a friend in Pasadena to stay there for the night. It turns out this friend needed a healing, so that worked out. My mechanic could not find a leak, and told me the engine seal was fine, my fluids were fine, and he wanted me to drive my car around for the day, and bring it back again in the morning. My friend and I drive around, I do another healing, and stay another night, and take my car to the mechanic in the morning. They check it out and still could not find a leak, but he said there was so much oil, it was hard to see, and he asked if they could steam clean the engine, and I said, yes. He knew I was waiting to leave on a road trip by myself, and he really wanted to make sure it was safe for me to drive. My engine was cleaned, and he ran my car for about 40 minutes, and still no leak. He said he ran the engine with my automatic power button on and there was no leak, no smoke; front or back, no loss of fluids, and no warning gauges on my dash. He said I was good to go, so I did.



My plan was for me to drive to Point Conception, but it is a private beach, and the closest anyone can get is 5 miles north at Jalama Beach, and walk down during low tide. Since it was not quite low tide yet, and they did not have any more camping space, I pay for the day pass and start walking north up the beach with me feet and legs in the water. There so many rocks, I was able to collect the rocks for my co-workers and friends. Then, I turned around and started walking south toward Point Conception, opening myself up to whatever energy I could get from the area. When it hit me, it took my breath away, and I felt this beautiful, powerful, loving energy around me. I kept walking south and I found a piece of abalone shell; smooth and with lots of meaningful images. I walked a little further, and realized I walked for an hour and a half, and I needed to get back. I drove to a hotel in Lompoc, swam in the pool, and stayed overnight. Then I headed for Big Sur.



I stopped at Pismo Beach, which stank, and collected a couple more rocks, and continued up, on a beautiful and peaceful drive. Driving through Carmel was slow due to traffic, my plan was not to be there on a Saturday, but nothing was going as planned. I enjoyed the weather, the drive, and the awesome views. It was beautiful. It reminded me of when I first went to Big Bear, and everything was new and rustic, only Big Sur has the ocean too. I stopped at the Maiden Publik House and had lunch, and talked with a couple of campers who were looking for a chauffeur to drive them around, since they only had their motor home. Not this girl, I did not want to drive around two drunk people I did not know, and since everything was packed, I collected a few rocks, and started on my way.



There were people parked all along the road, so it was difficult to even find a place to stop. Just before the town of Lucia, I noticed a crowd of people parked along the road, and a lady with binoculars caught my attention; she must see something. Finding a spot and pulling over, I see a pod of whales in the water. There must have been at least 8 whales, and they were diving and surfacing for a l o n g time. When there was no traffic on the road behind us, we could hear their singing, whale songs! It was beautiful. I watched and listened for a long time, until my guides told me to move on.



When I made it to San Simeon, I spotted at least one condor flying with two other big birds. I know one was a condor because of the white on its wings, but I could not tell if the other two were. Amazing! I was hoping to see one in Big Sur, but I saw it on the way south! Very cool!



I saw seals laying on the beach, sleeping, and enjoyed the views, and cool weather. I started thinking; I was not able to stay overnight, or hike, or just really enjoy the area, and get a feel of it, and I was disappointed. Then I started going over what I experienced; Jalama Beach, driving up to Big Sur and having lunch, the whales, the condor, the seals, and I realized the magic I experienced. There was no reason to be disappointed, but there was every reason to be grateful.



I started feeling more grounded than ever, more settled, and wiser. I guess the best way to say it is more complete. I feel like, I do not need to look anywhere else for answers, they will come, and it will work out just fine, and I am ready. I realized my healing is complete, and it was necessary for me to visit these two power places within a 24 hour period in order for me to balance my male and female energies; Point Conception being female and Big Sur being male. When I was filling my tank in Morrow Bay, I felt like I accomplished what I needed, and drove home. I made it back at 9:45 that night.



Amazing!