Words matter

I have become very picky about the people I want in my life; I will not accept negative, angry, or mean people in my life, it too precious for me to waste time with these energies.

There was a man I knew who tried to get closer to me than a friend. He worked as a Healer, he knew a lot about Native American practices and herbs, and told me that he has walked through the childrens' ward at LA County Hospital sending out healing energy; all a plus in my book. I was starting to become interested in him, at a very vulnerable time in my life. But the more he spoke, the more I realized he was an angry person. He never really showed his anger, he just spoke it; everything made him angry. And if he was not angry he would have a passive aggressive attitude to push my buttons, even when I pointed out to him that the subject he would be talking about was too raw and sensitive for me, he would not stop. I understood this person needed to have conflict in his life, it was a choice he made and I severed the friendship.

Another male friend in my life told me he did not have any self worth, indirectly. I would mention to him a conversation I had with someone earlier in the day, and before I could go into what the conversation was, he would interrupt me and tell me how much he disliked that person. It did not matter who it was, he never had anything good to say about anybody. Which no onlt ruins conversations, it also is very difficult for me to be around these people. It is exhausting. But they have taught me to pay attenion to words. You can get to know more about a person if you just listen to "what" they are saying.

It goes for the good, also. Another man I know uses peaceful, loving words, and it shows in his personality. He is someone I enjoy being around.

Which door is open?

All my life I had lived for someone else; my parents, my kids, my husbands, my bosses, and what society expected its model citizens to do. I have walked that walk, and I have forced open doors to get me into the American Dream of owning my own home, working a 9-5 job, raising a family, married and divorced; twice each. But I was not happy. Today I have accomplished a goal set out twenty-three years ago; I finished my last class for my AA. When I first started, my focus was on Real Estate and Business, but today my degree will be where I am the happiest; Native American studies, and Sociology. It is funny how much a change in one's life can happen. I never would have dared to take classes in these fields, I had a family to support, and that was my main focus. I did not realize I could set my goals on a career that meant something to me. And now that I have completed my classes, I am being pulled in a completely different direction. All the doors that are in front of me, waiting for me to open them, are with my creative side. All the pieces are falling into place for me to start creating. The urge I hve been feeling is getting stronger and stronger; I am finding ways to do what is in my heart, and apart of me. My guides are steering me, and now I can respond. No need to break down the doors, they are unlocked!

Be Afraid, Very Afraid

Doing something out of the normal routine could be scarey, depending on how much out of the normal routine you go. When you look at your life and see what is not working for you, you have a choice; you can go on as normal with things not working for you, or you can make the necessary changes to make them work. Some people choose the former, and their lives stay stagnant, and they are unhappy. Some people decide to rid their lives of the weight and baggage that is confining them, no matter how scarey it is. One way is not right, and the other is not wrong, each person must decide for themselves, which road to take. If one is undecided, then the universe has a way of making the decision for that person. If this is the case, it can be very scarey, as only the universe knows where you will end up. When you make the decision to make the changes, you move out of your comfort zone, you tread into uncharted territory, afterall change means change. It is uncharted waters that scare us. It is the unknown. It is also necessary for growth. Change leads to new doors, new opprotunities, new wisdom, new growth. Once we make the move, we cannot go back to just being who we were before, we evolve for the better, even when it is painful. The rewards for facing the fear will far outweigh the pain. No one can put a value on the courage, strength, wisdom, and knowledge that comes with growth and change.

50 This Year

I am turning 50; the big 5-O, the half a century, this year. Thirty was easy; I knew there was still a lot of life in me. Forty was difficult, but not for the obvious reason; I was empty-nesting at the same time. The last of my 5 children had left moved out of state, and my daughter-in-law and granddaughter was moving out of state to be with my son, as he came back from Korea with the army. My usually full household was now empty. It was definitely a time of mourning, but I was trying to look a it as a positive time in my life. After being a mother since I was 17, and having my fifth when I was 21, this was the first time in my life when I could really look at who I am. I was married at the time, and as my husband was a man, he was not as emotional over the kids being gone. He was dealing with it like a man; yelling, woo hoo! We were not on the same page, and I needed to make some sense of the closure I needed while embracing this new chapter in my life. I decided a ceremony was appropriate, so I told him I needed a few hours one night to have some time to myself. I collected my favorite cd, a bottle of wine, a candle, and some tissues, and I said goodbye to the past to welcome the future. I honored Me. Unfortunately, this did not end my grieving for my children and my grandchild, much to the dismay of my then husband, but it started the process.

A lot has happened since then; I am now divorced, the grandmother of 9, and living with my mom, and a new fous on my life. I have a better grip on my health; mentally, physically, and emotionnally. I am sronger than I ever have been, and have focus for the first time. There is an eagerness and excitement of newness within me. This is the first time my life is truly just about me. I look forward to turning 50.